For those who don’t know, there’s a website called “The Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became an Evil Overlord.” The point is to poke fun at all the silly, clichéd and rather dumb things that fictitious overlords tend to do. In that spirit do I compose my list of things the Antichrist should avoid or implement. This is, after all, the place of speculation, fiction, and faith. I doubt I can get to 100 on my own, so feel free to add to this. (And I had a little help from some friends to get this list. The double asterisks are numbers contributed by people other than myself.)

1. I will not use a microchip or tattoo to brand my followers.
2. If I am somehow talked into this, I will not use my own name or insist that the microchip or tattoo be placed on the right hand or the forehead. The Christians are waiting for that.
3. I will make the state religion Christianity and create a Christian Hall of Fame.
4. I will not actively persecute Christians or any other religious persons.
5. I will not wear clothing that looks like something Jesus wore.
6. I will appear as pious and moral as possible.
7. I will not antagonize my girlfriend. When she dumps me, I will not antagonize her as my ex-girlfriend.
8. I will ban the numbers 666 and 616.
9. I will not use a guillotine to execute opponents.
10. In fact, I will put my opponents on my advisory staff. Opponents help me see blind spots.
11. I will not use the phrase “new world order.”
12. I will befriend Israel, insist their borders be returned to their pre-Exile boundaries, and build a Jewish temple where it’s supposed to go.
13. I will refrain from outright defiling sacred religious things.
14. I will not crown myself. That’s a bit arrogant.
15. My military arm will be civil and uphold justice to the best of their understanding, rather than persecute the helpless.
16. I will advocate social and political justice.
17. I will not antagonize the hero.
18. I will refrain from thinking playing with demonic creatures or things is a good idea.
19. If two prophets of the Judeo-Christian God show up, I will invite them to dinner.
20. If said two prophets turn out to be two prophets centuries dead, I will assume I should consider carefully before angering them.
21. I will not be the one to implement money-less economic systems. That’s a bit obvious.
22. I will not form a 7-year treaty with Israel only to break it halfway through. That’s likely to tip someone off.I will instead remain bound to my contract for the entire seven years.
23. I will seat my primary headquarters in Israel and chase out the Muslims.**
24. I will not slaughter a pig in the temple.** This is counterproductive to maintaining civic order on the streets and to proving to the world I am in fact a benign, competent,good leader.
25. My number of advisers shall be nine or eleven, not 10, just to throw everyone off.
26. I will hold all life equally valuable at all times.
27. I will be clear and honest in my speech and dealings; there will be no double meanings or underlying threats.
28. I will have an accountability structure in place so that in the event I begin to appear evil, I will already have measures in places to restrain me.
29. I will not be a satanist.
30. My spiritual authority will come from a religion everyone has heard of and considers legitimate, not kooky.
31. I will not lie to journalists, preachers, or social advocates.
32. My motto shall be fairness, equality, and justice.
33. I will not allow anyone to make a statue in my name.
34. I will not allow people to worship me.
35. If my personal mentor/accountability partner/priest decides to make himself a high priest of a new religion in which I am god, I shall feed him to lions.
36. I will memorize the entire book of Revelation and all eschatological texts of the Christian Bible and pay very close attention to the events in the book and do my best to avoid anything suspicious.
37. In light of this, I will plan for the pending judgments and set into place plans for sustaining human life during natural disasters, pandemics, wars, economic fallout, and political upheaval. This way I might last a little longer,and, even if I don’t, at least people know I cared and that I did my best to keep from making it worse.
38. I will enhance my own physical, social, and emotional flaws, rather than attempt to hide them, to make sure everyone is aware I am, in fact, human rather than divinity. If no such flaw can be found, I will either make one up or maim myself.
39. I will not fake my own death.
40. I will allow full investigation as to my origin and personal history, just so there is no confusion.
41. 41. I will not employ overly charming speech and behavioral patterns. My speech, behavior, body language, and clothing shall reflect the region I grew up in and convey that I am a normal human being.
42. I will attend a church, just to prove I don’t have a demon.
43. I will not abuse those weaker than myself, nor attempt to dominate them. They are human beings.
44. I will not tell any heroes my plans.**
45. I will not kill the prophets at the Wailing Wall. Again, I wish to prevent riots, not cause them.**
46. No intercourse with women who appear to be of celestial descent.** (Addendum: Apparently some people think the child born in Revelation 12 is the antichrist. This sounds a bit insane, but just to make sure even the insane don’t get suspicious…)
47. I will not call for worldwide disarmament. This is counterproductive to peace and security.
48. I will do my best to show mercy whenever possible.
49. I will allow nations to maintain their autonomy.
50. I will abide by the rules of war as stated in treaties made prior to my rise to power.