Fall Writer Challenge
Our summer writing challenge was a big success, so I want to follow up with another similar opportunity for writers to exercise their writing muscles and for readers to practice their ability to give gracious feedback. Both parts are equally important for a writer challenge to work.
A couple observations from last time. Writers that posted early seemed to receive the most feedback. Writers that posted later had more time to polish their entry. Which is better? Does one garner more recognition than the other? Only you can decide.
By way of reminder, here’s the way this particular challenge works:
I’ll give a first line, and those who wish to accept the challenge will write what comes next–in 100 to 200 words, putting those in the comments section of this post.
Readers will give thumbs up to the ones they like the most, and, if they wish, they may give a reply to the various entries, telling what particularly grabbed their attention.
We’ll take this challenge one step further than the last one, too. I’ll re-post the top three (based on the number of thumbs up they receive) and visitors will have a chance to vote on which they believe is the best.
And now, the first line:
If dragon hopping was safe, then I wouldn’t have any interest in it, but of course it’s not, so guess where I’m heading.
Your word count does not include this first line.
Once again you’ll have between now and next Monday to post your challenge entries in the comments section. You may reply to entries this week and next. Voting will take place in two weeks.
Feel free to invite any of your friends to participate, either as writers or readers. The more entries and the more feedback, the better the challenge.
If dragon hopping was safe, then I wouldn’t have any interest in it, but of course it’s not, so guess where I’m heading.
My grandson will certainly follow through with his petition for guardianship if he catches me, so I have to be very cautious. Last night, at Tuesday dinner, I smiled like the sweet old granny he longs for, and mentioned that I was going to visit old friends, leaving this afternoon. I left out the fact that the way to my friends requires traveling the Great Gauntlet and also that I would be carrying a message from the Cloud of Witnesses to a besieged warrior on the other side.
Instead, I let Bryce imagine me sipping tea with other docile, white-haired scarf knitters so he wouldn’t bother to check in on me again until the week-end. Three days is not entirely sufficient for the journey but I love a challenge. How I miss my brave Howard and the adventures we shared! To his credit, just before he died, he passed the Vessel on to me, tipping each of my shoulders with his very own sword to designate me his replacement before the High Council.
Where did I put the dagger that fits inside my green galoshes? I hope I didn’t drop it in the swamp during my last clash with Bedivere.
Nice twist to this by making the protag a granny! I like the hints at other adventures and the promise of conflict because of a mission passed on by her husband. Definitely an intriguing opening, Lori. Good job! 😀
Becky
Don’t know what it is but now that I’m in my fifties, I’m fascinated by stories with older protags! Glad you like it, Becky.
Lori, one of the protagonists of one of my WIPs is a 77-year-old traditional church deacon, forced to confront his secular teen granddaughter, and visions of the after-world. Great to know I’m I’m not alone in considering these kinds of stories!
Put me on the list to purchase! My father turns 77 this week and is still an active fire chief. My agent is in his eighties and a mighty man of God. I think boomers will line up for that story!
I enjoyed the clandestine nature of the granny versus young person situation. Nice, clever, reversal!
What fun! Was totally surprised by the very first line. A grandma with a dagger stuffed in green galoshes. Love it.
If dragon hopping was safe, then I wouldn’t have any interest in it, but of course it’s not, so guess where I’m heading. Danger is my middle name so off I go to the Protect Zone. You think dragon hopping can’t be done? Wait until you hear the mountains ring out the news. I know the secret. The secret is in the Protect Zone. The secret in the Protect Zone will produce my victory and grant me the honor of the beautiful maiden’s hand. I face this danger with the joy of the majestic reward. Yes, I am heading back to the dragon. With my distinctive surge and outburst of strength, I will land upon that dragon and receive the pleasure of success. Alas, only I know the Protect Zone. Only I know the secret. Only I will succeed. If you want to know whereabouts of the Protect Zone, I will whisper it. Listen! Are you listening?
The Protect Zone must be an analogy to Ephesians 6. Loved the interactive whisper, and the inference to God’s singular ability to inform us.
If dragon hopping was safe, I wouldn’t have any interest in it. But of course it’s not, so guess where I’m heading?
You guessed it, church. I don’t know why dragons seemed to flock to it like angels, but ever since the Change every single church in the country had their very own scaly doorstop. Not that people actually went to church much these days. Why would you when there was too much fun to be had by dancing to elf music and chasing pixies around with butterfly nets?
But I needed more. I know, I know, dragons are mean critters. And staring at one in front of me remind me of it. Big, scaly, sharp teeth. But I wanted the rush of risking my life, so I barreled towards it at full speed. It roused, and blinked its eyes at me as I hurdled over the thick part of its tail. As I dashed into the church, slamming the door shut behind me, I could hear its furious roars. But at least I was safe.
“So, boy, you want to live forever?” A voice echoed inside the sanctuary. I looked up, and in the dusty altar before me a jeweled sword was stuck point first. On its hilt were a pair of eyes, and they regarded me with bored amusement…
(Sorry for the initial sentence editing. Thanks for considering this!)
This concept is compelling – dragons on every church doorstep. I could read about that but some of the phrasing you use “dragons are mean critters,” “big, scaly, sharp teeth” made the dragon seem more predictable and cartoonish than intimidating. Plus, he/she got past it too easily. LOVE what happens when you get inside the church. This is a fascinating idea you might want to develop!
Yeah, the first line was to the point. I was trying to get across the sense of a jaded thrill-seeker nodding his head to someone’s often repeated warnings. I think the rest of your points are correct, and I’d probably redress that if I did expand it-the word limit was pretty tight, and I couldn’t put across the sense of it I wanted: of dragon hopping as a risky form of cow-tipping.
Thanks for the feedback.
I come from cow-tipping country so that is a great analogy for what you were trying to communicate. You should work with this idea. It’s cool.
I love the reference to the Fall as the Change, and I am interested in the idea of dragons guarding the church–all too reminiscent of gargoyles. I would like to see the protagonist wanting inside the church building because of a strong relationship with God and not just bravado, but I’m tantalized by your ending . . .
[…] challenge post is here, so check it out and add your own. The site is really nice too, and hopes to be both a library of […]
Adri’s note was stuck on the front door, impaled by her hunting knife. As usual her almost perfect handwriting announced her confidence, but spoke little of her impetuousness, or the argument from the night before. Foolish woman! Sometimes I wondered why I even tried.
There was little time to lose. I pushed the door open and grabbed my sword. I was out the door at a sprint when I stopped to reconsider. This was no time for heroics. I returned for my bow and arrows. Better to kill a dragon from a distance.
“Where are you going?” Father John asked as I turned a corner and almost ran him over.
“Where do you think?” I shouted over my shoulder, barely slowing down. The desperation in my voice must have said it all.
“She didn’t!” he shouted back. My silence was his only answer.
“Wait!” His shout faded in the distance. I shook my head as I ran. There was no time.
I pushed on, my lungs burning as I left the village behind me. Up ahead, at the top of the gorge, beside the waterfall, the gigantic stone ring continued its centuries-old vigil across the secluded valley we called home. It was ancient and broken, covered in vines. Who knew it could still work? Least of all, who could suspect they’d send a dragon? Why here? Why now?
A shiver ran down my spine, cold as the river water I now splashed through, and suddenly I knew. Because Adri was here. Because they knew this was something she’d do, and they weren’t finished with her yet.
I’m intrigued and want to read more!
I like this character and Adri already. I want more! Nice work.
Good Job! I want to read more!
Wow! Just wow. I need to know what happens next!
Really good job, Eugene. Great sense of tension and the promise of more conflict. What a unique idea to take the first sentence as a line from a note. Love the creativity.
Becky
Thanks for all the positive words – it’s very encouraging! Already seeing some changes I’d like to make though! 😉 may just have to turn this one into a full-length project, but have a few on the shelf already I need to get to!
I’m a little confused, and while I like the pace of it, there are too many details left out to make me want to continue reading.
I would say slow the pace down some and let me care about the characters.
The best piece of advice I ever received was from Bryan Davis who said you start the story just before the point of the character’s life being interrupted.
I really don’t have a moment to care either about Adri or the one rushing to rescue her, or Father John.
To an extent I would agree with you, if this was a novel, but in just over 200 words what you have here is a short-story that needs to pack a punch and just give enough to make someone sit up and take interest. I am a fan of dropping characters right into the fray though 😉 had I been given a bigger word count I would definitely explore characters and details a little more!
This is breath-takingly gripping–with only one snag, for me; ” ‘She didn’t!’ he shouted”, left me wondering whether he is talking about the protagonist, or someone else. I had other questions, too, but they moved the story forward, without breaking the flow.
I agree. After writing it I felt it was too vague. Maybe something like this:
“She didn’t!” he shouted back, shock and disbelief evident in his voice. My silence was his only answer.
“Wait!” His shout faded in the distance. ” There’s something you should know. Adri…” I shook my head as I ran. There was no time for more surprises. Adri’s life was seconds away from coming to a horrible, abrupt end. Anything else could be dealt with later.
Great dramatization! Good job of incorporating action and exposition.
My apologies, left the starting sentence out!
If dragon hopping was safe, then I wouldn’t have any interest in it, but of course it’s not, so guess where I’m heading. Yeah, to the arena. The dragon-hopping trials start today.
My mother believes a girl who was jilted at the altar two months ago ought to stay at home and sulk. My brother, Captain of the Dragon Guard, was only slightly more understanding when I told him my plan. “Mathilde,” he’d said, “Philippe is not worth it. Don’t risk your life. I almost lost you once. I don’t want to lose you again.”
A year ago, I had been a member of the Dragon Guard myself, and had a daredevil streak even wider than the one I have now. That attempt at dragon-hopping hadn’t ended well. It left me with a permanent limp and a left ankle that would give out unexpectedly. But this was about more than just proving myself.
I knew Philippe would be participating. I had not seen him since the day before our wedding. I’d had no inkling anything was wrong then. He simply didn’t show up the next day. Nor had he tried to offer any explanation since. I would find him and force him to tell me what was wrong, even if I had to attempt a midair leap from my dragon’s back to his.
Oh! What an unusual way to set some romance.
Thanks, Michelle! This was one of those ideas that just came to me out of nowhere.
Delicious start–I want to know his secret, too!
Thanks, Peggy!
If dragon hopping was safe, then I wouldn’t have any interest in it, but of course it’s not, so guess where I’m heading. Jaz swears she has found the best kind of entertainment. I agree with her when I see the narrow metal beam we will be walking on. Spreading my arms out for balance I follow Jaz out onto the shaft. It is a remnant of the old city, another piece of torn and scorched metal. The only thing special about this particular beam is that it happens to stretch next to a dragon’s nest and at seven every morning the dragons will leave and fly underneath this beam. All I have to do is jump down from this perch and land on the back of a dragon. If I time it correctly I get to fly on a dragon, if I don’t, well there’s a lot of twisted metal below.
I hear the rhythmic beating of wings and tense. Jaz turns and grins at me, her eyes alive with adventure. The dragons are almost beneath us. I target one. He’s a little slower than the rest. As his head passes below I launch myself into the air. I am falling! Why aren’t I hitting that dragon? Suddenly, I am tumbling across a dragon’s back. I did it!
You really know how to build suspense! I loved that moment of second-guessing, mid-air. Great falling action, you might say.
Estelwen, I was captivated by the mix of dragon lore with a post-apocalyptic scene. Very interesting. I’d like to see the suspense continue. When he or she says “I did it” the story feels finished.
Becky
If dragon hopping was safe, then I wouldn’t have any interest in it, but of course it’s not, so guess where I’m heading. Jaz swears she has found the best kind of entertainment. I agree with her when I see the narrow metal beam we will be walking on. Spreading my arms out for balance I follow Jaz out onto the shaft. It is a remnant of the old city, another piece of torn and scorched metal. The only thing special about this particular beam is that it happens to stretch next to a dragon’s nest and at seven every morning the dragons will leave and fly underneath this beam. All I have to do is jump down from this perch and land on the back of a dragon. If I time it correctly I get to fly on a dragon, if I don’t, well there’s a lot of twisted metal below.I hear the rhythmic beating of wings and tense. Jaz turns and grins at me, her eyes alive with adventure. The dragons are almost beneath us. I target one. He’s a little slower than the rest. As his head passes below I launch myself into the air. I am falling! Why aren’t I hitting that dragon? Suddenly, I am tumbling across a dragon’s back. I did it! Only now do I realize I have no idea how I’m going to get off this dragon.
I have a thing against stopping any scene in the middle of the action. I have read too many books that ended with a cliff hanger and I feel like that is cheating. So now I try very hard to never end anything mid-scene. I guess since this is a snippet it is okay to stop without wrapping it up fully.
Oh, yes, I like the add better. Interesting perspective about cliffhangers. As I understand it, they are tried and true, creating suspense and very much encouraged.
But I tend to agree that anything done too much gets old. I’m seeing that with the idea that when things are as bad as they can get, then they get worse. Knowing that’s going to happen kills some of the suspense for me. I don’t believe that the hero’s plans have a chance of working because the author thinks things have to get worse, not better. That makes me feel rather ho-hum in stories where I should be on the edge of my seat.
So I can see your reaction to cliffhangers. I’d just say, I think it’s OK to bring a scene to a conclusion as long as there is still a story question driving the reader forward.
As you noted, in this short snippet, we didn’t have a lot to work with to set up a story question, so making the scene complete seems to bring the story to an end.
Becky
If dragon hopping was safe, then I wouldn’t have any interest in it, but of course it’s not, so guess where I’m heading. I check my safety gear; helmet, bracers, gauntlets, though it’s rather redundant to put a gauntlet over a mechanical fist. I continue the check as I trot past the others to the gap in the wood. I’m a ghost, making foot-falls on the dusty path beside them. Shouldering past a Rescue Jumper in full armor, I hear a mutter through his speakers. My cheeks burn as I step out onto the high flat plateau of rock. I’m not a bot, I’m still me.
I’m also a shining example as to why this particular past time is idiotic.
Behind me, a silken rustle sounds, as of all the trees in the wood were suddenly covered in cloth. I flex my fingers, and hear the servoes in the left hand whine softly. My pulse hits hard in the right, pooling in the tips of the digits. Gritting, I think about my other prosthetics and slowly the pistons and gyros behind my shoulders wake up, come online and my own metal wings spread. Our Captain walks to the front of the squad, his great black wings throwing purple shade over us.
“Save as many as you can.”
This is my favorite so far. The first paragraph feels a bit slow and confusing though. For example- I’m now assuming being a ghost is a metaphor for passing by unnoticed, but since I didn’t know much yet when I read that, it feels like a misleading piece of information after I become more confident that your character is not a ghost. Unless you made a ghost inside a machine 😉 Which could very well still be and I’m still confused. lol
But what grabs me is what sounds like a description of a cyborg’s self-awareness, and for some reason, whatever these beings are, they have become that way through countless times of risking their lives to “save”… and again I’m assuming, but it sounds like they are saving dragons. I want to know why. I want to know why they are so heroic and yet feel idiotic. And I’d like a set of wings myself. I enjoyed this. Thank you, Michelle.
If dragon hopping was safe, then I wouldn’t have any interest in it, but of course it’s not, so guess where I’m heading. But then again I have never been known for playing it safe. I had arrived at the arean early to scout out the dragon pack when I ran into Scully. I hadn’t seen her around much lately. Not since after that unfortunate incident at Cryer’s Barre. She looked like she had healed up well and didn’t hold a grudge. I nodded to her and she nodded back, I was relieved that she didn’t throw a punch or two. Not that she would have been out of line. I did cost her that dragon hopping match. It wasn’t intentional. I was trying to make a tricky double dragon hop and didn’t see her astride the mid dragon I was hopping. I kinda knocked her off but I did finish the hop which got me extra style points. Scully landed with a thud. I heard she spent three weeks at the healers recovering. So this was her first match back since then and it was the last match of the season. Besides I needed the winnings from the Babalou Cup to pay off the debts I had acquired over the season along the circuit.
I was with you, ’til I got to “Babalou Cup,” and decided it was changing forms from serious Young adult to Disney. I just think you need a new name for it.
Nice Kris! Makes me think of a tale set in a horse riding circuit. Really cool idea to swap the horse for the dragon, and definitely not something I’ve seen before.
“If dragon hopping was safe, then I wouldn’t have any interest in it, but of course it’s not, so guess where I’m heading. I’m not like the noobs who go their first hop with the real dragons. I love an adrenaline rush, but you fall off a dragon and the game is over. I’m not ready to check out. I’ve been training for this all my life”-
“And how old are you, kid?” a reporter broke in.
“I know I’m the youngest to ever enter the contest, but I believe being smaller and lighter will be to my advantage. Place your votes on me, Isaac Shepherd, and I won’t let you down.” He stood tall and proud, until he realized the half dozen folks who listened to his spiel were walking away. Soon they were absorbed into a larger crowd surrounding Barnie Stormrider, fourth generation competitor with two years of games to his name. Isaac let the air out of his chest and hung his head.
Grandpap put an arm around him, “We don’t need sponsors, Izzy. The winner is the winner regardless. Perks are just glitter. Glitter never won anything.”
A crackle and squeal went over the intercom followed by a bellowing voice “Competitors, make your way to the gorge. The 245th Septennial Dragon Hopping Contest begins in 30 minutes!”
I like “glitter never won anything.” In this, as well as the bionic (?) piece, I’m left to wonder about technology and time period, assuming there will be a satisfying explanation later on.
Again, very nice feel with the established idea of “dragon hopping” being a sport. This start sounds like it has more of a “bronco riding”feel to it then others. Absolutely love the inter-generational angle, and the line “Glitter never won anything.”
Wow, there are some really good entries! Thanks to all participants. We still have three more days in case anyone would still like to put through an entry, then next week we’ll have the readers take over completely and give thumbs up.
I love the comments, too. That’s the best way for all of us to see what’s working and what isn’t.
Becky
Becky, great idea for a story start! I just wanted to say thank you. I’ve been struggling with depression and your “story start” has been the first time I’ve written in months. It was just short enough that I felt like I could do it, and engaging enough, I wanted to try.
Hey, Michelle, I appreciate your affirmation. It’s great to know that this challenge spurred you on to write. I’m so glad. I’ve been in those same doldrums and it’s not fun. So glad God used this prompt to help.
Becky
[…] Challenge I’m referring to is over at Spec Faith. And before those of you who are not writers or who do not favor speculative literature stop […]
Props for a creative opening sentence, Becky. Here’s my attempt:
If dragon hopping was safe, then I wouldn’t have any interest in it, but of course it’s not, so guess where I’m heading.
Yes, you know: Basilisk. The terraformers abandoned it a century ago, when they finally figured out that nobody is going to move to Basilisk while there is standing room on any other planet. Weather comes two different ways there: Too hot and too cold. There is very little water, and the only creatures that manage to live on that forsaken planet are mutant and hostile. Snips. Eye lizards. The Raz.
And, of course, dragons.
The terraformers built their skeleton settlement deep in a cave system, thinking it would be a refuge. You can imagine their horror when a flock of dragons came swooping in to settle at their doorstep. What are the odds they’d found their colony smack-dab in the middle of a hibernation nest?
A couple decades back the deserted colony was taken over by somebody with more con than morals. Now it’s a resort, and it runs Dragon Shows all year round. This season’s show is dragon hopping.
So I’m on my way back. It’s a crazy thing, I suppose, to hop from one hibernating dragon to another, but I’ll fill my pockets nicely. And, provided I don’t slip and land on some touchy dragon’s snout, I’ll enjoy it.
Fascinating! I like the style, the Sci-fi angle and the believability. The resort idea is great fun.
Hi Shannon!
Just wanted to let you know how much I loved your piece! The part that really set off my imagination was the bit about terraformers colonizing planets–it gave me an idea for a sci-fi novel set in deep space! I’ve added my own bits to the idea, but your piece inspired the story. So, thank you!
Blessings,
Literaturelady
OK, you all are having far too much fun without me, so I wrote an entry too. Except I think it’s against policy for a contest creator to also be a contest entrant, so I’ll gladly accept comments but declare this entry ineligible for consideration as one of the final three to be voted on in the poll.
– – – – –
If dragon hopping was safe, then I wouldn’t have any interest in it, but of course it’s not, so guess where I’m heading. Away from Treasure Mountain and the nesting dragons that have the rest of the gang staining their shirts with sweat at the thought of tomorrow’s contest.
Sure, I’d like to be beside my guys, hopping from one dragon nest to the next to see which can come away with the most gold or jewels. But as it turns out, I’ve got something better to do. And a lot more dangerous. At least that’s what Carlos told me, and who can doubt a daredevil with a scar splitting his chest in two, when he talks about greater risk than he’s ever known before? I can’t pass up the chance that he’s right—not even for dragon hopping.
So at sunset we’re heading south into the Orphaned Land. I don’t know a lot of the details yet though gold is involved. And a rescue. But whether we’re going in for a person or an artifact, I couldn’t say.
What I do know is that I’m to bring my blowgun and supplies for two weeks. I figure five days in and five days out, with the mission in between. Provided, of course, that we make it back.
I enjoyed “staining their shirts with sweat”, and the drama, although having so many stakes and plot turn possibilities in such few words makes it seem a bit like a caricature. It makes me want to see it fleshed out.
Thanks, Peggy. I appreciate the feedback. Point well made.
Becky
“You’re probably wrong! I’m heading to the wet bushes in the marsh next to the dragon-hopping jamboree.
Here’s the way it works: each crazy dragon hopper hops from one side of the dragon’s tail to the other, when it swishes its tail. The most successful number of hops wins a dragon-hopper’s choice of 6 princesses in the palace and the Ultimate Challenge.
The dragons are fed, simultaneously, so they’re fairly well occupied. So far, we’ve only lost one unlucky boy, but it was partly his fault. He just had to check out the vulnerable underbelly, with his “Dragon Slayer Sword!” We called, but . . . he didn’t answer.
Know what? Charred freckles no longer show up! And I no longer go that close.
I’m at the clearing, now, and I think I’m going to climb up the tree by the bushes, but it’s hard, because I put on these tall, rubber boots, and they’re wet, so they’re not gripping–but I am! Wha-a-a-a-t’s that?”
“Er-um, Siegfried, here, filling in for our previous announcer, Dorganbort, who, at that last precise moment, was whisked from the tree. An errant curled tail has tossed him into the competition, where he has begun to hop. I guess there’s a first time for everything!”
Peggy, I think this is interesting and it makes me think I’d like to read the story. I thought the explanation of the jamboree was a little too much backstory for the beginning, however. Still, I like your character and the obvious danger you generate by revealing that they lost someone before.
Becky
If Dragon hopping was safe, then I wouldn’t have any interest in it, but of course it’s not, so guess where I’m heading. I stop in front of the mirror and pat myself down, counting off the things I know I’ll need: rope, carabiners, pitons, chalk bag, harnesses. I pick up my helmet and check out the colossal scratch that came from the last time I tried Dragon hopping. I’d missed my landing on the fourth spine and fallen to the end of my rope in Toallto’s point-seven G gravity. Wow, what a rush! If not for the inherent dangers, I’d take that jump again on purpose.
After plunking the helmet on my head and pulling the chin strap tight, I give myself an ecstatic grin in the mirror and race out the door with a spring in my step was only partly due to the light gravity. My old clunker, a fifteen-year-old gray and black hovercar with dents and creases that rivaled my helmet, waited on the landing pad. In the distance, the comb-like spires of the Dragon Spine Mountains pointed skyward.
Cindy another excellent combination of sci fi with the fantasy dragon trope. Love it! You’ve given your character a wonderful, strong voice. Really well done!!
Becky
Thanks! That was a fun one to put together!
Great opening! I could actually see the character in the mirror! Then I’m out the door and jumping in my own hovercar to follow her all the way up the mountain. Left me wanting more.
[…] week I entered a writing challenge. It works this way: You are given an opening sentence, to which you are supposed to coherently […]