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Christmas Un-Specials 2011

Purely for fun and no profit, this year I made up a list of 50 holiday-related TV movies that (with a few exceptions) will never be produced — I hope.
| Dec 27, 2011 | No comments |

Purely for fun and no profit, this year I made up a list of 50 holiday-related TV movies that (with a few exceptions) have never been produced — I hope.

I re-present them here, my own post-Christmas “gift” to readers, for your edification and encouragement — because these don’t exist. (Except for Barbie Nutcracker, which is in fact a real movie. And, as I found out the day after Christmas, so is Barbie Christmas Carol.)

  1. “Christmas Crash.” After Christmas Eve wreck, family learns the greatest gift ever is a new car.
  2. “Rudolph IV.” Aged reindeer with burned-out magic red nose learns being special isn’t important.
  3. “Oh Holy Night, Batman!” The caped crusader must team up with Mr. Freeze to save the North Pole.
  4. “Blues Christmas.” Back from death on Christmas Day, Elvis takes fans on one last holiday tour.
  5. “The Greatest Angel.” As the best of heavenly warriors, Michael gives best gift to newborn King.
  6. “Happy Holi-delays.” Working Dec. 25, TSA agents find peace, romance, and new gifts, on the job.
  7. “Wreck the Halls.” Dysfunctional family learns chaos, not organization, is the way to celebrate!
  8. “Trans4mers: North Polarization.” Flat hero and hot elves fight Robots. Directed by Michael Bay.
  9. “Man in Red.” Santa saves his *own* Christmas. With no help from cartoons, puppies, or *anyone*.
  10. “Love Verbs Adverbingly: A Christmas Miracle for Your Family’s Wishes of the Heart.” … Because.
  11. “Murder on the Polar Express.” This wacky holiday mystery invites you to deduce while you dine.
  12. “Satan Claus.” Conservative families’ fears prove true, as “Santa” finally calls in his favors.
  13. “Elf on the Self.” Magic holiday decoration teaches children that they are what truly matters.
  14. “Apollo 12/25.” A “found footage” film of NASA’s secret and horrible North Pole crash-landing.
  15. “A Christmas Cartel.” Drug lords inhale their own product and journey to magical holiday lands.
  16. “The Santa Suit.” Claus goes to court vs. all sales, stores and items claiming to be “Santa’s.”
  17. “Killer Frosty.” Evil aliens brainwash the mind of the classic snowman to bring holiday horror.
  18. “Barbie Nutcracker.” Timeless seasonal ballet, now with more plastic and more radical feminism.
  19. “Justin Bieber’s Best Christmas Pageant Ever.” Despised pop star gives a heartfelt performance.
  20. “The Christmas Socks.” Kind-hearted store owner invites poor begging waif to work for new gift.
  21. “A Thomas Kinkade Christmas.” Sweet cottages full of light and hope may also hold dark secrets.
  22. “Playboy Holiday.” Dirty media empire tries to sweeten image with perfume gifts. (Not made up.)
  23. “Ornaments.” Magical holiday decorations come to life when owners are away. From @DisneyPixar .
  24. “Karl the Radical Reindeer.” Disenfranchised sleigh-puller forms a union for North Pole rights.
  25. “The Jar-Jar Binks Holiday Special.” Holiday hijinks with Binks, plus newer fun CGI characters!
  26. “The Christmas Cut.” Workshop elves must quickly find a cure for Santa’s male pattern baldness.
  27. “A Pyongyang Carol.” Ghosts of Hussein, Gaddafi, and bin Laden show Kim Jong Un a better path.
  28. “Christmas Don’t Be Late.” CGI chipmunks, etc., puns, innuendo, poop jokes, etc. Could be real.
  29. “iBrainimplant.” Hectic holiday shoppers learn the best and newest gift is already inside them.
  30. “Arctic Village.” Shocking end: they are men and *we’re* elves. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.
  31. “A Christopher Nolan Carol.” Holiday dreams … within a dream. (BWAAAAAHHHMMM. Jingle-jingle.)
  32. “Santa Baby.” Supermodels vie to date the North Pole’s most eligible. (Probably already done.)
  33. “Frosty the Postman.” Friendly mail-carrier with button nose might melt, thanks to budget cuts.
  34. “Trump Card.” Famed mogul celebrates Christmas, no, actually Hanukkah, no actually, “Kwanzaa” …
  35. “Relative Visits with the Stars.” “Reality TV” celebrities battle holiday family dysfunctions.
  36. “House for the Holidays.” Doctor who Breaks All the Rules™ meets three spirits, left unchanged.
  37. “Al Gore’s Winter Feature.” Former leader combats polluters, loggers and whalers at North Pole.
  38. “Grown-Up Christmas List.” Humans ensure right always wins, somehow also without starting wars.
  39. “Christmas Is.” Religio-conservative leaders promote True Meanings. Brought to you by Fox News.
  40. “The Tick Loves Santa!” Hilarious superhero fights evil “Multiple Santa” villain. This is real.

    "No! I just can't hit Santa!" (Later …) "Okay, odds are it wasn't the real Santa. But how can you ever be sure?"

  41. “Lights Out.” Old decorations come to life to teach consumers a lesson. Directed by Tim Burton.
  42. “Parson Brown.” Holiday “comedy” with hijinks of an eccentric Las Vegas wedding chapel manager.
  43. “Christmas in … Space.” The crew of the “Enterprise” follows a star— actually several million.
  44. “Love, Peace, Joy.” Based on the popular book, Women Like You® fulfill their own holiday wishes.
  45. “Occupy Mall Street.” Protestors learn true love and peace at the feet of comical retail Santa.
  46. “Camping Christmas.” Radio evangelist stuns world by successfully predicting holiday on Dec 25.
  47. “Johnny Mantis.” Animated; features voice of the popular singer. Insect teaches others to give.
  48. “Much Mistletoeing.” Hilarity ensues when video-game slackers try to be first under the plant.
  49. “Carol of the Bell.” Religious writer promises all will someday receive eternal holiday gifts.
  50. “Ho Ho Ho, Who Wouldn’t Go?” Santa’s magical overnight journey is imperiled by call of nature.
E. Stephen Burnett explores biblical truth and fantastic stories as editor in chief of Lorehaven Magazine and writer at Speculative Faith. He has also written for Christianity Today and Christ and Pop Culture. He and his wife, Lacy, live in the Austin area and serve as members of Southern Hills Baptist Church.

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Galadriel
Guest

That was hilarious!

Steve Rzasa
Editor

My favorites are “O Holy Night, Batman!” (because Adam West is awesome) and “Love Verbs Adverbingly”.