A day may come when epic fantasy novels are summarized, when the beauty of bullet points is trumpeted throughout the land.

When the walls of tradition and hours of reading come crashing down.

IT IS THIS DAY!

This day, bullet points shine in their useful glory.

By all you hold dear, I bid you charge forward and read, fans of fantasy.

Lord of the Rings in Bullet Points

VOLUME 1

• Hobbits love birthday parties
• Bilbo heads off on another adventure, leaving his possessions to Frodo
• Gandalf discovers Frodo has the One Ring
• Frodo flees the Shire with Sam, Merry, and Pippin
• The importance of mushrooms is noted
• Tom Bombadil likes to sing and isn’t tempted by the Ring (because yes, this is the book version)
• Bombadil helps the hobbits several times
• The hobbits reach Bree, where they don’t find Gandalf but come into the company of a ranger named Strider
• Ringwraiths attack Bree, but Strider and the hobbits escape
• The company heads east through the wilderness to Weathertop
• The wraiths attack, and one stabs Frodo
• They begin travel to the Ford
• Sam sings about trolls
• Glorfindel (NOT ARWEN!) shows up and bears Frodo onward
• The wraiths nearly capture Frodo, but drown in a stampede of river horses
• Frodo swoons and awakes in Rivendell
• They regroup in Rivendell while several important characters arrive and a great feast takes place
• Bilbo sings for over three pages

via GIPHY

• Elrond calls a council where stories are told, decisions are made, and the Fellowship is formed
• The Fellowship heads south, but their way is blocked
• They turn aside and try to cross the mountains
• A blizzard has other ideas, forcing them to trek the dark paths of Moria
• They find the dwarf-kingdom abandoned save for orcs
• Mithril proves its value by saving Frodo’s life
• Gandalf says some famous lines and eventually falls at the Bridge of Khazad-dum
• The Fellowship escapes to Lothlorien
• Frodo and Sam view the Mirror of Galadriel, where they see grim portents
• Frodo offers Galadriel the Ring, but she refuses
• The Fellowship departs down the Anduin
• Aragorn sees his ancestors carved from stone
• Boromir goes mad
• He tries to steal the Ring
• Orcs attack
• Frodo slips away to the east, but Sam follows and refuses to be left behind

VOLUME 2

• Boromir dies
• Merry and Pippin are captured by orcs
• Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli hunt some orc
• The trio meets the Riders of Rohan
• Merry and Pippin escape the Uruk-hai
• They end up in Fangorn and meet Treebeard
• After lots of talking, the ents march on Isengard
• Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli continue to pursue the orcs
• They’re reunited with Gandalf, now the white, who didn’t die after all
• Together they go to Edoras, where Gandalf frees Théoden from the spell of Wormtongue
• Éowyn has a crush on Aragorn
• Rohan’s warriors head to Helm’s Deep, accompanied by Gandalf & company
• Battle at Helm’s deep—Gimli passes Legolas in orcs slayed by one
• The remains orcs flee and are swallowed by the forest
• Everybody important from the battle travels to Isengard, where they find Merry and Pippin alive
• Merry and Pippin relate the destruction of Isengard
• Saruman says some shifty things that fall on deaf ears
• The important people head south
• Pippin’s curiosity almost kills him when he peeks into the Palantir
• Gandalf and Pippin make a mad dash for Minas Tirith

In other parts of the world…

• Sam and Frodo wander around Emyn Muil
• They capture Gollum, who’s been stalking them
• He’s forced to help them
• The trio endures the Dead Marshes, where Frodo nearly drowns
• They fail to enter Mordor at the Black Gate, but tricksey Gollum tells the hobbits of another way
• Sam cooks a stew and Gollum says “What’s taters, precious?”

via GIPHY

• Frodo and Sam taken by Gondorians
• Sam sees an Oliphant
• Frodo and Faramir say many things and the hobbits learn of Boromir’s death
• Gollum captured again
• Hobbits and Gollum head toward Mordor up the Stairs of Cirith Ungol
• They enter Shelob’s lair, and Gollum disappears
• Shelob attacks, but Frodo plays hero and they escape
• Shelob stings Frodo
• Sam fends off attack from Gollum, thinks Frodo’s dead, and takes Ring
• Orcs take Frodo, who Sam finds out is still alive
• He’s left alone, while Frodo is in the hands of the enemy

VOLUME 3

• 

  Image via lotr.wikia.com

  Pippin and Gandalf come to Minas Tirith, where Pippin makes a rash decision

• Denethor shows some pride issues
• Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, and the Dunedain travel through the creepy tunnel inside the tomb
• Aragorn recruits an army of dead dudes
• Rohan’s army musters and rides to Gondor
• Minas Tirith besieged—bad things happen
• Rohirrim encounter Wild Men, then arrive in time to save Gondor’s skin
• Theoden killed by Witch King, who’s then killed by Eowyn
• Epic battle
• Aragorn & company arrive on the black ships, turning the tide of the fight
• Denethor tries to burn himself and the wounded Faramir, but ends up burning alone
• The hordes of Mordor are driven back
• In the aftermath of battle, Aragorn plays doctor
• Everybody who’s anybody and still able to function rides for the Black Gate
• Brief discussion with a mouthy dude, who hints Frodo and Sam have been captured
• The final battle commences and the eagles come

Meanwhile…

• Sam saves Frodo from the Tower of Cirith Ungol
• The hobbits head into Mordor
• They find out Gollum isn’t dead
• They fall in the company of orcs, but manage to slip away
• They trek the hopeless road to Mount Doom
• Sam is amazing and encourages Frodo
• Gollum returns and attacks
• Frodo reaches his destination, but instead of destroy the Ring, he claims it
• Sauron freaks out
• Gollum bites Ring from Frodo’s finger before falling into the Crack of Doom

via GIPHY

• Sam and Frodo escape
• Barad-dur crumbles
• Sauron’s army laid waste
• Sam and Frodo saved by the eagles (of course)
• Reunions and stories abound
• Boring stuff in Minas Tirith between Eowyn and Faramir, which includes disturbing dreams and blossoming love
• Aragorn crowned king of Gondor
• Lots of goodbyes and the journey homeward, with notable stops at Isengard and Rivendell
• The hobbits return to find the Shire oppressed
• They free the Shire from Sharkey, who turns out to be Saruman, who stabs Wormtongue and is summarily shot
• Frodo and his friends make one final journey
• Frodo, Gandalf, Bilbo, and the elves sail into the West
• Sam, Merry, and Pippin go home

A bit long-winded, but how long did that take? A few minutes at most? Compare that to the hours of reading the entire book. Not that reading Lord of the Rings is ever a bad thing, just difficult to fit into our busy lives.

What books would be good candidates for the bullet point treatment?

*This post appeared in original form at zacharytotah.com in November, 2015*