With Thanksgiving on the doorstep, it’s time to remember what we’re thankful for.
Unless you’re a villain, of course.
Because let’s be honest—being filled with thankfulness isn’t really part of their DNA. Kinda like having a bold, well-to-do person destined to be the Chosen One. It doesn’t happen.
In that case, how do villains celebrate Thanksgiving? By remembering all the things they’re NOT thankful for. Obviously.
Last week, Mark Carver’s clever A Very Speculative Thanksgiving featured characters sharing what they were thankful for. Characters such as Thor and Frodo and Spiderman. Now it’s time to see what the villains have to say…
Setting: A brooding castle tucked deep into a snow-capped mountain range. In a large hall, thick with haze from large fireplaces and somber as a graveyard, villains from far and wide have gathered.
Sauron: Thank you all for coming.
Loki: Thank you? You dare dishonor the title Villain by using such sporting words?
Sauron: Silence, Trickster. Your opinion matters naught to me.
The Joker: Can we acknowledge we’re talking to a giant flaming eye? Not even I could dream up something that crazy.
Darth Vader: *heavy breathing*
The Riddler (raising an eyebrow at Darth): He’s a cheery one, isn’t he?
Voldemort: There is no cheer in the world. Only endless pain.
Sauron: Enough. Stop wasting my time with idle banter.
Smaug: Listen to the Eye. Let us commence our misery.
Loki: You first, overgrown fire-breather. What are you not thankful for?
Smaug: For thieves and stubborn dwarves and barbed arrows.
Joker: What do you have against thieves? We’re an honest lot. We promise to steal and always keep our word.
Random Dalek: Exterminate!
Riddler (staring at the Dalek): I fail to see the connection…
Loki: I’ll exterminate you, foul machine. You’re a disgrace to our ranks. I am NOT thankful for whoever let that excuse for rubbish into our midst.
Darth Vader: *heavy breathing*
Riddler: What has a mouth but does not speak? Has no face but sees all? Is naught but shadow incarnate?
Voldemort (shooting withering gaze at Riddler): I am unthankful for meaningless babble and pointless riddles.
Joker: Babble? Babble. Yes, you’ve come to the right place, dear Voldemort. We have an endless supply of babble.
White Witch: Shut up, all of you. Fools!
Riddler: Tell that to Vader. Or maybe you could give him some of your infamous Turkish Delight and loose his tongue? Anything to say yet, Vader?
Darth Vader: I loathe anyone named Han. I loathe family. I loathe this miserable dwelling.
President Snow: And I find you all distasteful and dull. So very dull. There is little here to be thankful for.
Joker: Settle down, Grandpa. We can be a rousing lot if we put our minds to it.
Smaug: Indeed. Roused to fiery fury.
Riddler: Does anyone wish to guess my riddle? It’s quite simple.
Sauron: I wish to speak. I am not thankful for hobbits. I am not thankful for the presence of good. I am not thankful for courage and the heir of Elendil.
Voldemort: Well said.
Dalek: Exterminate the Doctor!
Joker: Forget the Doctor. He’s of no consequence. I am not thankful for bats. Ohhh, I hate them and everything they represent.
White Witch: Children are worse. Especially ones from England who happen to be siblings.
President Snow: I heartily agree with the woman. I have a particular dislike of melodramatic teenage archers. Repulsive.
Killer Frost: You know what I’m not thankful for? Alter-egos and other dimensions.
Riddler: I’ve had enough. I’m not thankful for ALL OF YOU! Refusing to guess my riddle. You’re all children playing at childish games.
Loki: Silence your accusations. You have no right. And after tonight, I can say I also am not thankful for whiny compatriots. And heroes. They’re so…heroic.
Tony Stark: Hey now, watch what you say, Mr. Demigod. Didn’t work out for you last time, remember?
*everyone stares at Tony*
Sauron: Why are you here?
Tony Stark: What? Don’t want me crashing your party?
What do you think other villains aren’t thankful for this Thanksgiving?