BIG HOLLYWOOD, Cal.—A remark uttered over the space of approximately three seconds by a tangential, comedic-relief character in the Dreamworks animated epic How to Train Your Dragon 2, which released Friday, June 13 in the U.S., has overthrown each and every theme that comprises the remaining 101 minutes, 57 seconds of the film.1
Observers over the weekend noted that Dragon 2’s soaring tributes to chaste young-adult romance, lifelong romantic commitment between two mature central characters who delight in beauty and their differences, and a tragic showcase of self-sacrificial love were all blasted to death by a voice actor’s single ad-libbed comical line that made it into the film.
“I’m devastated,” said 34-year-old Jennifer Winchovski, of Des Plaines, Ill., who has been reading secular websites and religious blogs to grasp the secret meaning of the dialogue clip that on its own could mean literally anything or nothing. “My children would have loved the film’s messages of growing up, responsibility, and true love. But with the single clip of dialogue over three seconds, my children will never appreciate those themes.”
Despite the comedic sidekick’s vague allusion—“That’s why I never got married. Well, that and one other reason”—critics and supporters alike proclaimed that the minor character of Gobber the Belch has come out from under his double-horned Viking helmet and that this disqualifies all of the Dragon 2 story’s representations of traditional beliefs.
“It’s sickening, but just typical of the immoral garbage coming out of un-Holywood these days,” remonstrated 65-year-old Armond Crigler of Lincoln, Neb., though he has not seen in the film and in fact if he had seen the film for himself and judged fairly he would have only witnessed and enjoyed the “conservative” themes that cultural and religious critics alike are strangely eager to toss aside in pursuit of their political agendas. “Thanks, Obama.”
Cultural writers from web publications as ideologically varied as The Huffington Post and Jezebel praised the minor character’s easily missed revelation as a great leap forward for equal rights and a revolutionary philosophy of liberation that should be accepted as the central theme of the film, bypassing the inarguable fact that even the comic-relief character Gobber the Belch in the quip defines the term “marriage” as a practice between a committed woman and man in which he is thus unable to participate.
“This represents the latest proof that fans will respond positively to themes of diversity and tolerance of different sexual preferences and lifestyles,” wrote Clive Botkin in a June 17 post at The Daily Kos. “History is on our side,” he added, apparently unaware of the fact that the single comment in the animated sequel represents less than .0007 percent of the film’s total runtime and in fact a well-placed cough from an audience member could have obscured the groundbreaking achievement for the progressive cause.
Audiences appeared ignorant of the film’s offensive assault on their traditional moral values or the film’s brave ad-libbed stand for progressive equality, propelling the Dreamworks sequel to the top of the box office over the summer weekend.
“This assault on our values using Hollywood propaganda and the dark forces who oppose marriage will be rejected by honest hard-working Americans,” said Robert McBoreson, president and chair of the Family Values Research Heritage God Bless and Save America Foundation, utterly incognizant of the fact that the Hollywood film brainwashes viewers by showing the journey of a maturing young man to find himself, while also respecting the stories and perspectives of both his father and mother, who turn out to have had a short and yet blissful life of committed and romantic marriage that is upheld as the story’s ideal.
McBoreson cited FVRHGBSAF statistics proving that 89 percent of tentpole animated films feature wacky-jester sidekicks who exist solely for comic relief, whose amusing hijinks and direct endorsement of alternative lifestyles persuade impressionable youth to ignore the journey of the sympathetic heroes and follow the secondary character’s journey instead.
“My daughter carries her Gobber the Belch action figure everywhere,” stated 27-year-old mom Melinda Jameson of Bluefield, Va., adding that her daughter Madison, age 6, is also obsessed with the ancillary Viking blacksmith whose visage is printed on most licensed merchandise offered by Dreamworks such as bedsheets, plushies, body wash and adhesive bandages. “Now what will I tell her when she starts asking about his bachelorhood?”
A Dreamworks spokesman who asked not to be named confirmed that already the film’s director and writer is considering how to proceed with How to Train Your Dragon 3 while dispensing with first two films’ majority themes of respect for parents, honor of committed relationships, and stewardship of nature. Instead the sequel will follow the tangential exploits of Gobber the Belch, plus a dark-haired person seen briefly in the background running in fear during the Alpha dragon attack scene that marks the 2014 film’s finale.
“Other beloved fantasy franchises such as ‘Doctor Who’ have proved what studio insiders are calling The Harkness Law,” the studio spokesman said, referring to the concept that fans of the BBC space-fantasy series are left emotionally unaffected by the seasons-long love story of featured heroes like Amy and Rory Williams, but are moved to tears by the momentary madcap shenanigans of supporting characters such as Captain Jack Harkness.
At a joint press conference on June 16, the heads of six major studios stated they are so committed to the redefinition of traditional marriage that they will henceforth pour all their investment into only big-budget movies that push this ideal, ignoring other goals such as financing stories that audiences prove they want, in order to make money.