1. Upon reading this section tonight I think I need something shocking to happen. A “bug in the belly button” moment (if you know what I mean. Ideas?

  2. bad_cook says:

    This just seemed…heavy-handed.
    Authority Figure: I am villainous, and I am here to control your life.
    Hero: (to audience) I do not trust this villainous authority figure, but I will make all the noises and movements associated with obedience despite my angry, rebellious thoughts.
    Authority Figure: ARE YOU A MEMBER OF THAT UNDERDOG REBELLION GROUP?
    Hero: Clearly my rebellious, underdog self has nothing in common with that underdog rebellion group. I am shocked and appalled because propaganda has taught me that those people are freakish and gross. This scene isn’t setting up an ironic reversal, is it?

    • Perhaps. Why not? 🙂 
      Also, is there anything wrong with stereotypes this early in a story?Readers like to know where people stand early on. Keeping the lines drawn clearly at first isn’t necessarily a bad thing. 
      Thanks for the discussion. 

  3. Henrietta Frankensee says:

    Lord Langley is his father and is recruiting him for the Separatists. But he has to go through lot of reprogramming to make him hate the Construct. 

  4. Henrietta Frankensee says:

    Or as Lord Langley leaves the world shakes and they are sealed in together and have to rely on each other to survive and escape.  On the outside they discover that aliens (or a meteor or nearby supernova or mantel indigestion) have destroyed everything and the Separatists are in control of what is left.

  5. Leanna says:

    If you’re open to editing this scene, I still think an offer should be made at this meeting. There’s some sort of mission that they need someone with killer mechanical skills for but it’s a mission with a lot of risk and they wouldn’t want to waste a mature loyal mechanic on it. Possibly, it is also the sort of mission where a free thinker is valuable and CON recognizes that.

    It seems silly to me to bring Alden in just to lay out some veiled threats but I don’t mind the stereotypical villainy-ness (although “how shall we say” coming in the same scene as “how should I put it” is a bit much… unless you were going to make it a tick and put it in every fourth or fifth sentence Langley utters… I’d be amused)
     
    Then you could still have the next chapter explore the home life Alden is about to lose (especially interesting if his current family isn’t allowed to know that he’s been assigned early).
     
    Random: why are people always hating on sanitation? What if the coolest job was in sanitation? (seriously, there are possibilities!)

  6. Henrietta Frankensee says:

    The more I think about the main character the more I believe he is too civilised in this meeting. People with his history of disruption in childhood are either mice or hyenas. I suspect he comes under the latter category. I can see him laughing hysterically in the face of the lord who slams him with an energy blast to get his respect.

  7. […] Chapter 2 – One of Them (Part 1) Chapter 2 – One of Them (Part 2) […]

What do you think?