1. Galadriel says:

    An interesting beginning 

  2. Thanks. I’m open to thoughts & ideas for next week. Is ICON the best name for a “big brother” government? What might it stand for? 

    • Leanna says:

      ICON is actually the name of the totalitarian government in the Hero: Rock Opera story world. It stands for International Confederation of Nations.
      Other possibilities:
      Imperial Council On Necessities
      …um…
      Impeccable Consolidation Of Nothing?
      Important Culprits Obliviating Niceness?
      Indigenous Considerations Over Nepotism?

    • Well…that’s out. I wonder what else we can come up with. Ideas?

  3. This is an intriguing idea, Chris – I’m looking forward to seeing how it develops!

  4. bad_cook says:

    Frankly, I don’t like it, characters or premise.
    Alana is the stupid stereotype of a weepy, hysterical “little woman,” and Justin is kind of a jerk for just dismissing her emotions, even as unfounded or over-the-top as they are. I want to punch the both of them, but especially Alana for ruining my gender for me.
    Big-bad government can be done, but these methods are stupid even for blatant villains. The importance of family is emotional connection and stability, and taking that away tends to just make people depressed or emotionally unstable or crap like that. Even bureaucracies and atheists know that.
    Stylistically, I don’t like the melodramatic overtones. It makes me want to punch the characters all the harder.

  5. Leanna says:

    I agree with bad cook that the characters presented in this segment aren’t very sympathetic, I don’t like them either, but I’m guessing Alden is going to the actual MC. Or have you not decided?

    Evil totalitarian governments are inevitably at least a little silly. Most dystopian settings break down if you think about them too long, but I still enjoy them. 😀 The set up for Hunger Games is ridiculous but it works really well as the background for the story that is told. I’d go along with a government that breaks apart families every 4 years for story’s sake.

  6. Bainespal says:

    Serial fiction in short instalments works well for me.  I want to experience deep and intricate stories, but I find it hard to concentrate long enough to read even a short story in one sitting.
     
    So, we have dystopia, perhaps with a steampunkish element.  The redistribution of families is done in the name of “diversity.”  I think there must have been dystopias written during the Cold War era where family was crushed in the name of unity.  Nowadays, conformity is an easy vice to give the antagonists, since diversity is universally lauded.  So, this dystopia reflects our time, showing that enfoced diversity is really the same thing as enforced conformity.
     
    I wonder if this theme will show up in Alana’s internal conflict.  The sate — ICON or whatever — teaches diversity but wants her to conform, to betray the conscientious, free will of her husband.  Right now, Alana’s internal struggle suggests a conflict between duty and moral obligation, but this conflict is rather weak as it stands, because there is no conflict for us.  If Alana ends up turning her husband in (although I’m sure she probably won’t), we’ll think she’s a scum-bag, plain and simple.  The fact that she’s tempted to turn her husband in makes her somewhat unsympathetic.  Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, especially at this early stage.  We haven’t even seen the hook yet.
     
    I’m looking forward to following along! 🙂

  7. Caleb says:

    Look forward to character growth!!!

  8. The theme of our story will be “how far will you go for freedom”? We will explore the balance of the extremes of anarchy vs. oppression. It will be a Jules Verne-esque world. Space travel is possible, but only via rickety ships that barely get us there. Call it Steampunk if you want.
    Also at heart of the story will be the colonization of a new planet. I want to loosely base the story on the colonization of North America…but in no way a one-for-one. I think I’ll borrow names from history here and there to for fun. 
    A space probe named “Colombus” perhaps?

  9. Lauren says:

    First, I feel that as a woman, I need to mention that Alana’s character didn’t offend me at all! 🙂 Actually, I liked the tension between her and her husband. I think I see more “warrior women” in speculative fictions than wives who just don’t want their husbands to get killed.  I wonder if Alana has had previous husbands (for that 4 year period) and if losing one of them effects her feelings.  Actually, come to think of it, how committed would either of them feel too each other if they’ve grown up seeing families reconfigured every four years? And how will that affect Alden? Will he even know anything about his parents?

    And I think anarchy vs. oppression is a very pertinent discussion that I haven’t seen addressed very often in fiction!

    If you’re playing around with historical names, maybe that  could help rename ICON. Call it Parliament or George or Red Coats? Or maybe that’s where the “red eyes” are tied in? Just a thought.

    And the English major in me has to say that something about “smiled proudly.”  It just . . . I don’t know . . . feels weird. I’ve probably just had that “adjectives are bad” speech pounded into my head too many times 🙂  But there, I got that off my chest.

    I’m looking forward to next week’s portion! Great idea to post sections of a story this way!

    • Thanks Lauren. I appreciate hearing differing perspectives. I know we all bring our own life baggage with us into the stories we read. For those looking for more of the “hunger games” girls. I have a character in mind that might fit that vein at some point, but this gal (as you’ve pointed out) is a product of a detached society and has torn loyalties between her new, young family and the state itself. 
      That being said, I’m hoping to strengthen all of my writing at a later date. The dialogue isn’t quite “punchy” enough for me and some of it is just plain awkward. But that comes later. This process is to get a rough draft done together and see if there is a story here to be developed. 
      Very perceptive catch…the Red Eyes and Red Coats is kinda where I was going. 🙂
      Whew! If “smiled proudly” was the only thing that caught the English teacher’s eye, I’m relieved. My first drafts are notoriously bad. Yes, that phrase needs to be updated. It doesn’t even capture the essence of the moment either. I was out of blogging time by that point and rushed to finish up my thoughts. 

      Care to replace it for me? Ideas? I like making this a collaborative effort.

      • Lauren says:

        Well, I’m not a teacher, just an-about-to-graduate-student!
         
        And looking back, I think what bothered me the most was that he was “proud” she would wait for him. I was thinking he would feel something more akin to relief . . .  or maybe he would just nod.  I think he needs to subtly express his love for her and his determination to find his family again.  But I can’t really say how that should be done!
         
        I totally realize this is a first draft, and I try to keep any grammar nazi tendencies at bay . . .

  10. Evan C. says:

    OOOH COOL something to help with YAAY

  11. Clint Hall says:

    I’m into it. Creative ideas and a great twist at the end. I’m sure you’re after constructive criticism, but if you don’t mind, I’ll probably sit back and enjoy for a few weeks to see where you’re going first.

  12. Literaturelady says:

    Wow, great job Mr. Miller!  An intriguing beginning, and I personally love stories where the populace rises up against tyrannical government.
     
    Okay, my suggestions (infinite 20-years-old wisdom :-)) are:
     
    1. Honestly, I’m tired of stories with prologues.  Why can’t it simply be the first chapter?  In all fairness, I wrote a prologue on the first draft of my saga, but then realized (with the help of Rachel Starr Thomson) that the information would be more intriguing if woven through the story.  Just something to consider.
     
    2. Where, specifically, is this setting?  The word “locker” made me envision a sports-locker room.
     
    3. Just out of curiosity: why tell this prologue through the eyes of a female protag?  This is something I wonder about: why members of one gender picks protagonists of the opposite gender.
     
    Again, great job with this story!  I’m looking forward to more!
     
    Oh, and thanks for asking for our help!
     
    Blessings,
    Literaturelady
     
    P.S. What ICON stands for…how about something like Immovable Concord of Nations?  Something with “International” or “Nations” sounds like it would fit.

  13. Evan C. says:

    International Control of Nations
    International Charge of Nations
    International Culprits of Nations
    is your bro helping with this 1?

  14. Alassiel says:

    I liked that it started with a prologue, because a prologue can be more melodramatic than a first chapter. Frankly, it was the melodramatic nature of the first sentence that made me want to read it. I have a thousand things I should be doing and considered coming back to it later, but now I’m here typing this instead.
    I like the dystopian tyrannical government splitting up families in the name of diversity. It feels very relevant in this age.
    I don’t have any suggestions yet. I’ll see what I can come up with as the story progresses.

  15. […] week we started something new on Tuesdays. My first entry into what will be a weekly serial fiction story entitled “Last Son of Earth” released. […]

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