/ / Articles

Interview With The Werewolf

Today we’re visiting Resurrection Church for an interview with one of its most unusual parishioners…
| Oct 30, 2012 | No comments |

“Good morning, folks. I’m John Smith of Channel 24 Action News, and today we’re visiting Resurrection Church for an interview with one of its most unusual parishioners, Ms. Lupe DeLuna. You won’t want to miss this. Lupe is an honest-to-goodness werewolf! Lupe, thanks for agreeing to spend some time with us.”

“No problem, John. Us werewolves get a ton of bad press, but I’m trying to show everyone that we’re not much different from regular humans, down deep. We’ve got special challenges, can’t deny that, but some of us have found a way to overcome them without taking the silver bullet route, if you know what I mean.”

“First off, I have to admit I’m surprised to see you here, inside a church. I always thought monsters were dangerous, out-of-control, and, well, unredeemable.”

“That’s what I used to think. I did some pretty awful things before I became a Christian. All those full-moon nights were beginning to add up, and I had a load of guilt. I knew I needed to change, and I tried everything…meditation, twelve-step programs, jazzercise, whole foods…nothing worked.  I was ready to give up, but fortunately, God hadn’t given up on me. Now, I’ve got a new life and hope for the future.”

“I would have expected they’d put you in charge of something more…distinctive…like collections, but I’m told you’re the janitor here.”

“Keeping this place tidy is a full-time job. I channel my rage into the battle against dust and grime. And let me tell you, you haven’t fought evil until you’ve done hand-to-hand combat with the plumbing of a 100-year-old Methodist church. The stories I could tell you…”

“Perhaps next time. Why did you decide to settle in with this congregation?”

“I feel at home here. There are so many monsters, I don’t stand out much.”

“Monsters? Everyone here except you looks like a normal human being. Ah, no offense…your coat is an extremely attractive shade of sable, and perfectly groomed. The purple hair ribbon is a nice touch.”

“None taken. And thank you. I try to look my best, even when it’s ‘that time of the month.’ Yeah, the thing people don’t realize about monsters is that we’re pretty good at hiding in plain sight. Take that lady over there in the third pew from the front, for example.”

“The one on her knees, completely absorbed in prayer?”

“Yep. She’s a witch.”

“Really? She doesn’t look like one.”

“Witches are as witches do, bub. Right now, she’s praying for that tropical storm in the Gulf to tear across Miami Beach and send all the moral reprobates living there straight to Hell. She thinks prayer is some kind of magical incantation she can use to take out her enemies. And see that row of teenagers behind her? They’re witches, too.”

“How can you tell? They aren’t praying. They’re just sitting there looking bored…and texting.”

“You should see them on Saturday night. They spend most of their time running down the list of things their parents tell them not to do, and then they do the opposite. Rebels, the lot of them.”

“What does that have to do with being a witch?”

First Samuel 15:23. Look it up.”

“What about the gray-haired church ladies on the far aisle?”

“Shh! Not so loud. They’re demons.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“Dead serious. They do so much of the devil’s work with their gossip, Old Scratch hasn’t sent any of his minions around here for ages.”

“Retired folks on the back row?”

“Mummies. Well-preserved, always talking about their stitches and bandages.”

“Young married couples up front wearing the designer sportswear?”

“Vampires. Somebody invited them in once, and they stayed for the social programs and free day care. Great at taking. Giving…not so much. Before you ask, most of the crowd in the middle are zombies. Stagger in, zone out during the sermon, stagger out.”

“I’m almost afraid to ask about the pastor. Surely he’s not a monster?”

“Him? He’s a ghost. This crowd sucked most of the life out of him a long time ago.”

“I don’t get it. If things are so bad, why do you stay here?”

“Hey, I’m no better than the rest. I have to fight my evil habits every minute, and I don’t always win. I’m too rough with people. If I don’t watch myself, I go straight for the throat. Poor little Joey over there wet his pants last month when I caught him sticking gum under the pew and lost my temper. Hey there, Joey…smile for the camera. Atta boy. He’s a good kid. What I’m trying to say is, people don’t come here because they’re perfect. They come here because they need fixing, and we all do our best to help each other…most of the time, when we’re paying attention. It’s like God is the ultimate Mad Scientist, putting all us hopeless, dead monsters onto the table and restoring us to life. Some of us need more work than others. It pays to be patient around here.”

“Words to live by. And with that, we’ll conclude our chat with Ms. DeLuna. Thanks for sharing your unique perspective with our viewers, Lupe.”

“You really ought to hang around for the sermon. Preach is looking extra lively today. It’ll do you good.”

“No, I don’t think so. We’ve got to cover a political rally in an hour.”

“That’s too bad. Doppleganger like you could use a good shot of truth. I bet it’s rough having to be all things to all people all the time.”

“You don’t know the half of it. Wait…what?”

Similar articles

Leave a Reply

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Sherwood Smith
Guest
Sherwood Smith

That was AWESOME.

Teddi Deppner
Guest

LOL! Quite an enjoyable read, Fred, and while we’re laughing you stick us right in the heart with the sad truth of many churches.

Thanks… and may we never lose hope, even with all the monsters about! 

Kessie Carroll
Member

I read parts of this aloud and shared a good laugh with my hubby. Thanks for the new perspective!
 
Now, there needs to be a book like this.

Galadriel
Guest

That was brilliant. Especially the ghostly pastor. I feel like that sometimes.

Lelia Rose Foreman (@LeliaForeman)
Guest

You would love Vampire in the Choir by Matt Mikalatos. Just read it this morning. Free today. Don’t know how to put in the link. Sorry.