The turn of a new year is always a time of forecasts and prognostications. Prophets literally come crawling out of the woodwork, on a scale not seen since the Showdown at Mount Carmel. I’m certainly not a prophet, and I have no desire to add to the predictive glut of the season, but this blog isn’t called Speculative Faith for nothing. So, today I’m offering a list of speculations for the coming year.
I claim no divine inspiration or authority for these statements. Don’t rearrange your travel plans or restructure your 401K based on anything I say here. Whatever you do, don’t repeat them at the office, quote them at church, or share them with friends on your social network of choice. People might think you’re as disordered as I am.
I do, however, reserve the right to say, “I told you so,” when they come true.
- The world will not end in 2012. I favor 2020, if only because it would be so cool to be able to say for eternity, “In hindsight, it was always 2020.”
- Scientists will discover at least three planets capable of supporting life as we know it. The short list of potential names submitted by the public will include Vulcan, Tatooine, Gallifrey, and Pizza Planet.
- On March 9, a human being will walk on the surface of Mars, encounter a thriving humanoid civilization, and fall in love with a smokin’ hot alien princess who has the proper number of arms and legs. Mark your calendars.
- The writers of Doctor Who will leak a memo confirming that Doctor #12 will be female. The Internet will crash for one week, and screams of horror will be audible on Ganymede.
- The Christian Booksellers Association will issue a formal statement apologizing for their years of snubbing speculative fiction writers. They will direct their membership to stock a more balanced proportion of Christian science fiction and fantasy, relative to historical romances.
- C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien will be mentioned at least once a week at Speculative Faith. As you may note, I’ve already taken care of this week.
- Frustrated critics of Rob Bell’s Love Wins will attempt a more nuanced and aesthetically-sensitive strategy, beginning with an essay posted on Facebook, titled, “Yes, Virginia, There is a Hell.”
- Oops, I forgot to mention that prediction #5 will come true only on an alternate Earth where pigs can fly and Skittles grow on trees for the nourishment of rainbow-colored unicorns.
- The winner of the 2012 United States Presidential election will announce his first official act upon taking office: “Save the cheerleader…save the world.”
- Bilbo Baggins’ memoirs will appear on the big screen in November to much rejoicing and the public wearing of pointy ears and hairy feet. Only the first half of the story will be presented. This is another reason the world will not end in 2012.